Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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