happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
