JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
