I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
