ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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