**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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