he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
