Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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