you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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