I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
