I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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