I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
