what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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