I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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