I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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