burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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