i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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