I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
