My friends, they love my intelligence
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?