Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
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We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.