you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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