Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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