Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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