Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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