one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
