i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You are the jesus of drinking
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
