I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
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2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
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Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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