Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
