Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
