1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
