Me too!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
