We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
