This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
