it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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