and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
