i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
