On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
