textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
