i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
