By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
