my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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