i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
