listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
