That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
