Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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