We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
