How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
