A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
