biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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