last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
