How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
