this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
