Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
