y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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