I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
