cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
