The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
