My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
